Horoscopes

HOROSCOPES

December 18, 2012
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ARIES—In your attempt to outdo yourself with decorations this year, your flashing light display will induce seizures in your neighbors but they will never be able to prove it. So you will avoid a lawsuit but start a neighborhood war that will culminate in some nasty business next Fourth of July. Start looking for a…

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HOROSCOPES

October 1, 2011
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ARIES—Do not, under any circumstances, even consider dressing as anyone from “The Jersey Shore” for Halloween. Trust me on this. Avoid herbal teas made with purple flowers. Do, however, wear a purple hat. Chew gum to help curb your tendency to break into song at inappropriate times.   TAURUS—Th ese cool, dark mornings have you…

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Horoscopes: August-September 2011

August 1, 2011
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PISCES—You’ve been hoping for a raise this month, but you have about as much chance of getting one as the taxpayers of Williamsport have of NOT paying more for the Kohl’s project. Sorry. ARIES—If you continue to explore your ancestry, you will discover some very unsavory facts about your bloodline. In this case, ignorance is…

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Horoscopes: June 2011

June 1, 2011
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PISCES—You will fall victim to a strange disease where everything you say will come out of your mouth as the opposite of what you mean. It should make for some interesting situations. Avoid situations where someone will ask you “Do you want punched?” ARIES—Because of your stubborn, Arien nature you are feeling very contrary this…

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Horoscopes: April 2011

April 1, 2011
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Pisces—You’ve been asking questions lately and here are the answers: Never. Maybe. 346. Only if you wear a hat. No twins. Tap dancing. Avoid blue drinks. Aries—Avoid drinks with little umbrellas. In fact, avoid all girlie drinks. You will get drenched so carry an umbrella everywhere, even inside, because your drenching may come in the…

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