Pisces: May is a good month to jump up and down in one spot as long as you don’t live along a fault line. Your destiny will arrive in June along with a loud noise. The stars favor big hats but no feathers.

Aries: Saturn will have you tripping over objects this month, or maybe it’s your ex trying to kill you. Look down except when walking under low hanging trees. Turquoise is favored this month but not in food.

Taurus: Alpha Centauri and Jupiter’s moons are battling this spring and Taurians get the fallout. You will get drenched so carry an umbrella everywhere, even inside, because your drenching may come in the form of people throwing buckets of water at you. Avoid parsnips until August.

Gemini: You tend to judge everyone on their hair and clothes but you need to look further. Luck will enter your life wearing good shoes. Would you recognize a pair if you saw them? I mean men’s shoes! Forget Blahnik and Choo. Wear a helmet from the 19th to the 27th to avoid injury, but not an orange one. Orange is bad.

Cancer: You have been contemplating serious questions about your future. The stars have the answers: about forty, not in this lifetime, probably the one you didn’t call, yes, they do mean you harm and not this year. Avoid old ladies on bicycles. Don’t eat lunch with a dark haired man on the 25th (of ANY month).

Leo: Pluto will interfere with you physically this month. You won’t be able to catch anything, not even a break. Decline the invitation to join a softball team or you will become unpopular. Feel free to eat mangoes after the 14th.

Virgo: Your Luddite tendencies put you at a disadvantage this month as your friends are twittering. Join the 21st century. Avoid flying blue or purple kites for at least three months. Your destiny for the month will be hiding under the weeds by the fence.

Libra: Spend most of May in bed with a cup of hot cocoa. Refill the cocoa occasionally. Nothing will work for you until June 3. Drinks with little umbrellas in them are well starred this month. Avoid anyone in a Hawaiian shirt.

Scorpio: An arrogant Uranus will have you jabbering most of May and part of June. You can avoid this by eating betel nuts and drinking large quantities of beer. Don’t forget to buy sunscreen. People with wispy beards (male or female) figure prominently in your destiny.

Sagittarius: You will find out who your real friends are this month when some of them look at you funny and make excuses to escape, while others express their concern about the condition of your liver. Your liver is fine but go easy on the fake tanning stuff, it will turn you orange. Avoid muffins for most of the summer.

Capricorn: Capricorn is about to enter a period of turbulence with Neptune this month. This will affect your relationship with water. You will either capsize a boat, spill your drink or wet the bed. Do not walk your dog on the 18th, no matter how much she begs and whines. Green drinks are a good bet after the 23rd.

Aquarius: You will be inventive and creative this spring. The humorless prudes will accuse you of lying. Someone will film you falling off the curb and put it on the internet. It will get 600,000 hits but won’t make you famous. Stop wearing red after the 20th and avoid small children with ice cream cones.